So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
