The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
ttyl tear gas
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
