Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
