The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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