hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize