i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
