i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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