i think i have two assholes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
