i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is it penis luge time yet?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well I just put wine in my tea
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
