By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
did i walk over a car last night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
