yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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