my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
