Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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