I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
