I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Randomize