I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
