you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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