also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
