oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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