i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's shark week go big or go home
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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