I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
