just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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