Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
