Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There was a lot of him and a little penis
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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