You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's rum buckets o'clock
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
