im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
