my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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