i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize