but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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