I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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