You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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