Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
