He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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