home. puking in laundry basket.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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