I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
