her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
