please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
