I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
