i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
