hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
