What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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