you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize