Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
