Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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