I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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