there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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