haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
