oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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