one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize