I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
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You. Win. At. Life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I will pee on everything he values.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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