you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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