My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
