My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Enjoy the penises
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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