...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
